SDTW Shurt Feelings #9

Let's do this...

It works like so:

Pick a shirt and describe how amazing it is.

Jacque Cousteau? Jacque fucking Cousteau homie? I think we should just proceed to the next shirt before everyone starts having an anger induced stroke.

You can either be into gothic trap rap or sports, but you can't be into both. That's a rule, right? I think it's a rule.

Here's the deal with Basquiat. People try and over think the shit, but I'll break it down for you right here. If you like injecting HIV positive syringes of heroin into your dick vein THEN you'll probably think Basquiat is tight.

Always watch your back, because you never know if a light skinnded bearded hipster is behind you trying to sad face you to death with his scary talky t-shirt.

There is nothing overtly terrible about this shirt, but this dude is just asking for it. The mother fucker looks like a Brayden. Does that face not scream "my name is Brayden and I almost got arrested for wheat pasting this one time?"

SDTW Shurt Feelings #8

In an effort to appease the SDTW audience here is a new Shurt Feelings for your reading pleasure. It's simple really.

Find a shirt that speaks to the soul and then describe the visual poetry that it is. Let's go...

Oh thanks guys. I didn't know it was R.T.G.T.B.N.C.T.F.N.F.R "Ruin Two Good Things By Needlessly Combining Them For No Fucking Reason" day. I forgot to mark it on my calendar.

Golden State Heavy weights eh? Heavy and Weight <-----these are the words I want you to read over a few times and then get back to me.

Oh word? And what industry exactly is it that we are "anti"? Clothing industry? Type Setting industry?

Checking to see if your pussy is still there is a everyday thang. Excuse me you had it right "an everyday thang" since I forgot the "an" because everyday begins with a vowel. We won't go into the whole "thing" and "thang" issue.

I feel like this type of shirt makes the Shurt Feelings every time. I just can't really understand the whole "hearting" or in this case "weeding"? things. Why is this a thing? You weed kush? Great. Just great.

Why not say something with more shock value like "College Was Not A Viable Option For Me Because I Got Expelled From High School For Selling My Aunt's Oxy Pills And Now I DJ Weekends At A Bowling Alley"? Someone mock that up for me. Thanks.

SDTW Shurt Feelings #7

Back at it again.

For those not in the know...

- Pick a shirt
- Describe its aesthetics and merits

Enjoy...

You really like hip hop that much blood? THAT much? This shirt should really only exist for members of hip hop/jazz/funk bands that "gig" locally. The expression on his face is perfect. It's almost as if he knows he's done something wrong.

This is illegally unnecessary. This design was pulled out of a folder called "Things That Should Not Exist But For Some Fucking Reason Now Do". In his delusional mind he's thinking that if he wears that shirt to a Talib Kweli show he's gonna get to finger bang some slam poet chick after wards in her studio apartment, but the jokes on him because she's probably got a head full of Eryka Badu lyrics that have her self convinced that she is some modern day empresses and she's basically not gonna even give dude an on top of the clothes hj.

I just want you to die.

Straight + the fuck up.

Oh word?

Mary is what's poppins?

See what I did there?

I used your clever little word device to make another clever little phrase. Yeah, too bad this shirt is for assholes and the dude wearing it looks like the dude that steals dvds from people's rooms at house parties that he wasn't invited to.

The fuck is wrong with you guy? Let's slow it down here. You really think advertising to the public that you are King Virgin is going to get you consensual fellatio? It's not little bruh. Oh and you went and had the nerve to wear a 69 hat on top of that. Is this real ass life? Bruh. You will be lucky to work at a gas station at the rate you're going with this foolishness.

And what prey-tell exactly is your "thing" guy? Is it the lead role in "Asshole: The Guy Who Wears A Girl's T Shirt Brand" ? If so, then by all means I retract my previous statements.

You know what's thug? Units of measure. Word to god son!

The collective attention of today's youth can be summed up by these shirts with things like:

- Snow
- Piff
- Haters
- Dog
- Chili

written in bold typefaces.

SDTW Shurt Feelings #6

Tuck Fuesdays son.

It goes:

Pick t shirt. Explain how cool it is.

Explain to me why this is a thing?

The fuck is wrong with your brain. Let me get this straight so this graphic is a hot chick in sunglasses who is in a strip club (indoors with sunglasses on mind you) staring at some other loser chick stripping and you're watching her watch the stripper? Am I missing something? Oh and b tee dubs, cute v-neck bro! You totally don't look like you're in heavy rape mode or anything.

I debated with myself on picking this one because for it to work you have to admit that you know what Mac Miller is. I in fact, know what it is. Congrats guys, you've made me want to kill myself now.

This shirt is fucking sickey sickersons. It's like a Slayer tee, but instead it says PLAYER. I guess that's one of the perks of being an assistant manager at Hot Topic. You get first dibs on anything that is awesome and will help you get a crazy unsatisfactory hand job from the new girl cause you told her you could buy her and her high school friends 4Lokos after you get off your shift.

Did you not read your own shirt? Everybody eats! That means eat you too, plehbwoy. It says you, yes you, are allowed to eat. Go get a sandwich b. Treat yourself to something other than Coke Zero for once. You have the shirt's blessing.

This is not a phrase.

For more amazing graphic tees go to KARMALOOP

SDTW Shurt Feelings #5

I have 10 minutes before I leave to work. We'll see if this works.

Pick a shirt. Discuss its graphical merits.

Let's go.

Oh word? Columbus was lost. Well let's see if history is as kind to you. If a few hundreds years passes and we start celebrating "Stupid Looking Asian Guy Wearing Glasses" Day. If that happens. I will publicly apologize.

You know what's "cray" homie? Trying to front like you're hard when you're too shook to even wear a t shirt with a swear word on it. How f*cking cray is that?

You again blood. Fuck man. What is it this time? Oh God (puts face into hands). Dawg. I repeat. Dawg. What are the Feds listening to exactly? The fapping sounds of you jerking off to Pornhub clips? Your studio apartment neighbors already have that line tapped son.

First off, how did you get Joakim Noah to model this shit during the truncated NBA season? Secondly, what in the fuck does this mean? You diamond heart haters? Well, fuck if we're just making up non sense lemme do one then.

I 8===> Pop Tarts

I know you don't always wear terrible t-shirts but when you do...wait, yeah you do. You actually, in fact, get paid to do so. Why do you got sunglasses on? You hoping we'll just think you're blind and assume your homies played a cruel joke on you by dressing you up in that stupid t-shirt? Fuck outta here.

Ahem.....Owwwlllllll bet you thought that tattoo looked a lot cooler in your head than it actually does in real life Dimitri. Now if you would, please look mysteriously to your left.

If you want any of these tees they are luckily still available at KARMALOOP

SDTW Shurt Feelings #4

Xmas comes early.

I didn't even feel like doing this, but since it's nearly Xmas and I'm not giving you shit and YOU ungrateful motherfucks certainly didn't get me anything I will just be the bigger person and do some shurt feelings for yall. Just so you know I am starting this at 11:51 a.m on some timed shit.

You know the drilly.

Pick a shirt. Say some shit.

Why is her butt hole covered? I ask that because just by looking at you dude, I am 1000 percent sure that you like buttholes. Specifically, butt holes. Good thing 10 Deep covered up her "icky" pussy. Don't want to look at that thing, do ya guy?

Yeah, I watched Cocaine Cowboys too dawg. Guess what? At no point during the movie did I whip out my phone and go "Lemme see if someone made a drug dealer graphic tee that allows me to visually express my drug documentary cinema collection?" You know why? Cause I'm not an asshole that thinks I can trick people into thinking I'm a bad ass by wearing a t shirt with a bad ass on it. Using that logic, when I see some fat fuck wearing a Flash shirt I shouldn't challenge him to a foot race? Dumb.

Again with the money! It isn't old or young and it certainly does not need to come home and rest its fucking eyes. Why is it that people always want to proclaim their financial status on a FUCKING T SHIRT? It makes a lot more sense to make said proclamation by having a nice car, house, a tailored suit, fancy watch and consensual sex with women that are visibly out of your league. Just saying. People will pick up the hint with those social cues. Not so much with the plastisol printed tee.

This is way too fucking vague bruh. Don't trust anyone? How about don't trust any light skinned'd black dudes with goatees? That makes a lot more sense to me. I certainly don't think everyone has to be included in your "trust" issues. I wouldn't trust you to sell me incense if you want my opinion.

Hood passes are something black people made up to trick other races into feeling more comfortable hanging around, so that said person would pay for things like dutches, chips, and Arizona Iced Teas.

Also, the look on your face is saying that you are not so sure if you have earned this "pass" as you call it. Let's test this theory out. Go to the Bronx and count the number of people that laugh at you before you order a cab. Divide that number by 2 and that will give you an accurate number to gauge your hoodness.

Finally, a shirt that isn't a complete lie. Yeah, you a cyber freak alright plehbwoy. I bet you get really freaky on there too. Probably friend request mad hoes and then try and status update some lyrics from a band you saw in her music favorites section on some subliminal shit. I bet if you do convince one of those poor girls to "meet up IRL?" for chai tea or whatever simp fuck shit idea you concoct you finna wear your best J's and get the matching scrunchie for your Tomala Favuso lookin ass pony tail.

The only way you are going to get your dick tugged wearing that shirt is if you get it stuck in a chinese finger trap.

End time 12:13 pm.

Boom.

SDTW Shurt Feelings #3

If I was smart and less apathetic I could make this feature into its own blog then turn said blog into a book deal. Then I would sell "ad space" in the form of the shirts by the brands I made fun on some subversive marketing shit.

After that I would take all that guap and transform myself into a pretty decent little coked up name dropper that would frequent parties in both LA and NY and try to explain to my friends that Pharrell is actually really cool in real life. I mean seriously, dude is hella down to earth.

BUT....

Instead, SDTW will remain semi-unknown and a blogspot and only appreciated by a few thousand stoners and the occasional wigger.

I digress...


Back to the fucking game.

Pick a shirt and say some shit about why it gives me a headache.

You might think that only white people are going to where a shirt so turrrible, but hold that thought cause mad Donald Glover slash Nick Cannon bruhs out there will cop this shit just to confuse naive whites into thinking they are trying to be ironic with the soft tee, but with a possible criminal background history. In other words this is a shirt you would see on an audience member in a Chappelle Show re-rerun at 3 a.m.

Nothing says o.g triple o.g like a faux-distressed vintage soft hand discharge water based soy ink Public Enemy tee shirt. Public Enemy is not some timeless band that your parents played in car rides to soccer practice. P.E was a group that you would only discover from someone's older brother (not mine, my brother fucked with U2, daily). Also at $35 dollars the only power you're gonna be fighting is the utilities company when you can't pay your studio apt electricity bill because you spent almost 50 bucks to try and look like you're older than 23.

When did they have the contest for worst thing ever? If they wanted me to know about said contest they should have bought ad space on Huffington Post. You might be like "Man, why you making fun of a little kindygardeners (that's how you spell it) drawing, dawg?"

Well, first off I'm jealous of you because you don't have the displeasure of knowing who the fuck Basquiat was and secondly, this was done by an adult and shown to people high on cocaine and AIDS in the 80's and now every time some asshole wants to sound like they know some "art shit" they bring up this dude's name.

Being good at keg stands is like being good at the yo-yo. Also, it turns out that this "beer" that all the college kids are so infatuated with is readily available at this store called THEWHOLEFUCKINGWORLD. You wanna impress me? Go to Ethiopia and be a cab driver and show those mother fuckers how we drive. J/K shout out to all my non-existent Ethiopian readers imagining what the internet is.

For people too cheap to find an ironic holiday sweater, but want to pay $35 to go to an ironic sweater party? That scenario is 100% impossible to even understand. It's like DMX not on drugs. I looked to see if there was a size option that said "false" cause this shit can't be real.

Give this to someone you hate.